Thursday, February 21, 2008

Eleris are...

Who I am, what I am, what I do, has never been much of a secret. No need for flag waving, and no need for hiding under a rock either. If someone asks, I'll answer as appropriate. If someone wants to go Google me, go for it.

Worrying about who might be whispering behind my back, or talking dirt about me in some seekrit forum, or throwing darts at pictures of me... that's not part of my life anymore. It's not important, not worth the energy spent on fretting, or trying to change people's minds, or defending myself.

I feel a sadness for the nifty people I may never really get to know, because they've chosen to dislike me, even more so if they've chosen to do so without making an informed choice. But that is their choice, not mine.

I have made choices too. There are people I have distanced myself from because of their words and deeds. That is my lookout, not theirs, and the door is open if behaviours change. I don't need to stand at the ready with tar and feathers, in case someone I have issues with steps 'out of line'. It is not in me to hate. Frustration, annoyance, yes. But those can be dealt with quietly, in my own head, or privately with trusted friends. I learn from the rash actions of my past, take stock in what's truly valuable, and move on.

Healing takes many forms. Slowly, I've been able to lay aside those agreements I had with myself, born of years of emotional need, that demanded I have everyone's acceptance, that everyone see me in the same light. From it comes a quiet understanding that all I need to be is me, and people will come and go around me as their agreements demand.

1 comment:

Toria said...

*hugs* and yes, me too. In many ways I've always felt defective, somehow. It's only been in the last few years that I've felt comfortable in who I really am.